Jul 10, 2008

PT... A good thing or a Bad thing....

Yesterday as I do everyone MWF I head to PT. Hoping every visit that I will see more improvement, more strength, more flexibility, more balance, more range of motion, more mobility, more of everything. For the last year I have been using crutches. Either for one or both knees. Now I have to admit that my weight has played a rather large part in my knee problems. But what started this spiral spin actually started a few years ago. You see a few years ago I tripped (no comments from the peanut gallery -my family) down a few stairs while holding the twins, they were in their car seats thankfully. Needless to say I thought I just sprained my knee. Waited almost 12 weeks before seeing a doctor just to be told the same thing. It slowly got better but now I know that what I actually did was tear the cartilage in my left knee.

Then last year, a week ago, I fell in a hidden mole trail and twisted my right knee and then 6 weeks later slipped on what is called a gumball from the gumball tree, yes that lovely spike nut to the right is the gumball. Needless to say when I slipped on that lovely nut which by the way when it is in bloom it is actually a very beautiful pink flower, I dislocated my knee cap, not fully but enough to create a ton of problems. Which led to major surgery in Jan and then due to the pain and tearing the cartilage in my left knee lead to another knee surgery revealing a lot of degenerative osteoarthritis that is so bad the doctor says I need a total knee replacement. Which I have to say I find interesting because after a 6 months I have more pain (need strong pain meds to walk) in my right knee than in the knee that is supposedly needing a knee replacement. I digress, I was talking about PT (physical therapy). So I go three days a week to what I have started to call physical torture. The pictures I have added here are just a few things I do each session. The above pic actually stretches every fiber in the back of your leg. It is VERY painful when the loss of extension causes your leg to not want to full extend, so stretching the leg in this fashion is just excruciating. I am seeing improvement but "oh the pain!" I can feel the pain from my hip down the back of the leg to the bottom of my foot and toes.

PT has helped strengthen my legs. It is a slow process to gain what is so easily lost. Every day is a struggle for me. Some days are better than others. I am happy that my left knee that just had surgery has improved to the point that I do not need medication or crutches to walk on it. What frustrates me to the point I just want to hit a punching bag is that 6 months later I am still in severe pain with my right knee. The knee that is not supposedly in terrible condition!

This whole experience has been life changing. I am not able to keep up with my kids let alone taking care of my house. Poor Sean not only has the ministry to tend to, works a second job but now has to do most of what I use to be able to take care of. I can stand no more than 10 minutes at a time and that time is painful. I am trying my best to get back to using a cane instead of the crutches. It is very hard to be an active mom with 4 very very active children. It is hard to be an active participant in the ministry and be able to do my best.

I AM NOT saying all this to get pity. That I do not want. I mean what is pity anyway. According to Merriam-Webster dictionary pity is sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy. What I want is understanding.

With all this frustration and pain that I have been living with for over a year some would say, why are you still serving the Lord. He hasn't healed you, He hasn't eased your pain, He hasn't shown up. I will be completely honest, in my deepest moments of pain I have thought those thoughts. But what I really want to stress is that despite my pain, despite my lack of mobility I WILL NOT STOP praising my Saviour. He is the reason I live and He is the reason I am able to get up everyday. He does lift my soul. He has been there with me with every two steps forward and even more so with the steps backwards. Do I wonder why He hasn't healed me despite my faith sure, I am human you know. But you see I have placed my life in His hands. SO regardless what may come my way I trust Him, for His plan for my life is perfect! Eventually I will know the whys and if I never know that's ok too. I just know my life is in His hands and I can trust that He knows what is best for me.

1 comment:

Michele said...

Oh Melissa- Myheart hurts for you as I read your blog- hang in there girl- We all go through things in life to wonder why God would you want us to go through this- Things I go through with Marcus- why God would you want us to go through this- Why? To Trust Him- I know you do- TO be Strengthened by Him- to reach others for Him- You are helping in the ministry everytime you go to PT - that is a ministry opportunity an open door why they are torturing you (LOL) hang in there Rely on Him- ask the kids for help with things around the house- they will help-
Remember this is an opportunity not an obstacle