Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:3-4
Earlier this week I received this scripture in a daily devotion from Internet Cafe Devotions. Have you ever needed to hear something that just sinks in and ministers to your soul? Well that is exactly what this scripture did for me this week. I so needed to hear God's word just reach deep, touch and encourage me. This week has been very difficult. Personally without wanting to admit it to myself or anyone else, I have been battling for a while with depression. Ok don't fall over or even say "OMG- you're a pastors wife you can't get depressed!" Or even the saying I have heard many times about others by those caring saints in church..."well she must not have enough faith in God" or "she just needs to repent and God will give her back her joy"!
Yes I have heard people say that about other people. So you can see my hesitancy to even admit that I have been struggling. But I really feel like I need to share what I am going through because there should be NO SHAME in admitting that you are struggling even if it is depression. Here is where I must say God used MySpace. I check my myspace page daily. It has been a great blessing to keep up with my siblings, in laws, nieces, nephews and cousins. You have the option of changing your mood and I found that I was using mostly depressing words to label how I was feeling. That was a real wake up call for me. Plus I have had other friends, family members and my PT tell me they were worried about me that I might be depressed. I have been to the alter many times privately and publicly for healing of this depression and for my knee pain.
In my case the depression just sorta over took me without me realizing it. It's not something I caused or wanted. Circumstances in my life in the last year have just gotten so overwhelming without realizing it. When your life goes from active, playing with your kids taking care of your home to not being able to function without pain meds. all within a year it is a bit life changing and overwhelming. So I decided to seek help. Went to my doctor and what was suppose to be a 1/2 hr appointment turned into an hour. He agrees with me and prescribe an antidepressant. Honestly I can't believe I am even posting here about it but I really feel I need to be honest with my readers and my family.
It has been a huge ordeal. I never wanted to admit that I might need something to make the chemicals in my brain function better. Knowing that all my lab tests show my body is hormonally fine should make me very relieved and it does. But it also made me feel like a mental case too. It's hard to face reality. It's hard to admit you need help in this area because for me it makes me feel even more like a failure. You know what, that is when satan likes to get in there and start speaking untruths to me. Saying things like, "you don't have enough faith", "God has turned His back on you," "you are worthless to God", and so on. Shamedly I began to believe those lies. LIES! That is exactly what they are. Because the Bible tells me, "Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, that He will never leave me or forsake me," and most importantly, "even if I was the only person on earth God would have sent His Son Jesus to save me!"
But when in the depths of dispare you cry out to God, He does listen and He does answer! This week when I cried out and He answered me with ... (paraphrased for me)
"Listen to me, Melissa, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4
So if today you are struggling and you need reassurance that God is there in the midst of your storm, hold fast to the rock and read this scripture verse as He is speaking it to you as well. So yes I am now taking medicine for my depresion. It doesn't deminish my faith or trust that God is going to lift me out of this time of trials and testing. I hold fast to the rock!