May 5, 2008

Thoughts I'm grappling with....

Some of you may wonder where I have been the last few days. Some may not care where I have been. That's ok too! To be honest I have been grappling with what to write and if I should write. I have been grappling with if I am doing the right thing for Kristofer or not, as well. Some people when I tell them we are looking into evals for Kris to see if autism is a factor in his behavior look at me and say, "It's about time!" Other say, "He is fine, you just have to discipline more!" And still others say, " I am making up the behaviors and he is just fine!" It's the last two responses that really make me mad! They have no idea what it's like to live with a child like Kristofer. There are days that, "yes he seems like a normal little energetic boy" and then there are days that, "he seems to be somewhere else and you have to draw him into your world!" Many days it seems like the later.

Today was a mixed day. It was skate night at church so off we went to the skate rink. All of the kids grabbed a friend and off they were, having a blast! Kris loves skating and for not being the most balanced kid he does fantastic! But as I watched all the kids, he was alone most of the night unless Jaron went and got him. He pretty much skated alone to his own music in his head enjoying himself but alone. When I asked him if he had fun he said, "oh yes I like skating!" I asked him if he felt all alone since no one skated with him, he says " no, I like being alone, I don't have to talk to people then!" When he makes statements like that it breaks my heart. Yes I am happy that he is happy being alone but at the same time I wonder if he even understands what he is missing by "being alone".

I asked him once what his world is like, "its quiet!" was his response. He likes quietness, so do I but not all the time. He is a remarkable little boy! And so as I am filling out the GARS-2 assessment forms and filling out other forms for SIU I wonder what they will tell us about Kristofer. I know what the Bible tells us...He is wonderfully and marvelously made by the Creator of Heaven and Earth! He is our miracle and no matter what a piece of paper may say about him I know My God in Heaven has awesome plans for him! I hold on to those promises and will till they are completed in him.

Oh I should share, God has remarkably opened doors for us. Kris is being assessed for autism through the school district but is also going to be evaluated at SIU (Southern Illinois University) at their Autism research program! They also offer therapy services! We have been told that they are the top of notch when it come to this program in the state and in the nation. Whats better than that...the college is only 40 mins away! So God is working on behalf of our Kristofer! You see he is a child of the King of Kings and God's favor is upon our Kristofer! We hold fast to that and claim that for him!

SO that is what this momma of four is thinking and grappling about. Just trying to do my best for my boy and for his siblings as well. Man, motherhood sure is bad it doesn't come with some kind of written manual...oh's called the BIBLE!

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