Learning...

more than I truly care to know! Once again we are on another medical journey with one of our kids. This just happens to be with Sara again. If you recall at the end of August she was hospitalized for severe stomach cramping. The doctor never figured out what the problem was and we gave God the glory for healing our baby. We still are. Well two weeks ago we went to a WIC appointment. WIC is a wonderful program and I highly advise all mothers to be and of small children to check into it. It truly is a blessing.

Anyway, while at the appointment we were made aware that Sara's iron count was low so they recommended we check with the doctor. So yesterday we headed to the doctor and then was sent to have blood work. While at the doctor's office Sara was complaining about her stomach again, something she does all the time. Sometimes because she is hungry, sometimes because she needs to go potty. But other than in August the pain has never stopped her from being an active little 4 yr old. So she also had the job of peeing in a cup. Which she thought was the funniest thing in the world.

Thankfully her blood work came back all normal but her urinalysis did not. She has all the signs of having kidney stones. I about flipped when her doctor told us that. So tomorrow she will be having a CT done to make sure there are no stones in the kidneys and make sure her kidneys are working correctly.

Am I nervous? You betcha! Freaked out that my little girl has to have this done, OH YEA! But I am also for Godly wisdom. Because to be honest the results at the WIC office weren't so low that I should have been concerned. Even our doctor was like those numbers aren't low enough to warrant any worry but being cautious because she has been ill we took her to the doctor and are thankful we did. God allow things to happen and my experience is that many times He does so that other things can be revealed. In this case that she has crystals in her urine indicating kidney stones. My research and Sean's sister has reassured us that this is actually more common than I ever knew. So please keep her in prayer tomorrow at 8:30 AM central time. We probably won't have the results till Monday morning. Either way just pray what may be there is passed without incident.

The Immunity Manual

Ok so yesterday I was thinking about a few things and I shared with my good friend Michele over at An Adopted Families Life that I was going to blog about this but didn't. She said I really should so here goes...this is for you Michele. Actually it is just my rant for the day but that's ok too cause this is my blog and sometimes you just need to rant it out!

I have a few thoughts I have been pondering. Such as why are babies not sent home with instructions? And why aren't moms giving immunity to our children's illnesses after giving birth? I mean if you adopted a pet you can find every kind of manual you want. Now I know children are not pets although some people treat them as if they are possessions in stead of blessings, but that is a whole other blog. Yes there are a ton of parenting books out there that cover a million different subjects but honestly when you are in the middle of a battle with a strong willed child or a child with special needs who has time to look at chapter 4, third paragraph of book 1000?!

I mean honestly, no matter how much parenting classes you take or books you read sometimes you just have to to throw in the towel and say, "God HELP!" That is usually when I get some kind of revelation on how to deal with the situation or at least handle it differently the next time it may occur. Yesterday seemed to be the day I was asked by two different people in two different states, "How do you deal with ....?" Honestly I am NOT a know all of everything! Never have been never will be, I rely on God for every thing but I call my mommy all the time. "Hey Mom, how would you handle this, or hey mom what do I do when..., or hey Mom thanks for just listening...or Hey Mom, I know I never thought you knew anything when I was a teen but I sure do now and I really need your wisdom!" How many Moms out there can relate to those calls?

It doesn't matter if the child you love and care for came from 9 months of growing in your womb or in your heart (adoption). Sometimes we as moms need our Mommies and need our friends that are moms themselves to give us a different perspective, advice or wisdom! So thank you to all my friends but specially to my mom and grandmom for all the advice you have given me over the years! I am sure I will call again...Mommy help me be a better mom!

Oh and before I get a bunch of emails or comments...I know I have the best manual out there...the Bible and I do use it and quote scripture all the time. I rely on God more than anyone or anything! I am just ranting and saying my piece here!

Honestly the last few days I have really been battling a nasty cold. It started with a sore throat, then to stuffy sinuses to my chest hurting to now I have a dry scratchy throat and I can't stop coughing. Yesterday I coughed so much I thought I would cough up a lung...instead I peed my pants! Yes I said it I have reverted back to being a toddler! (lol!) Honestly it is an after effect of having so many babies and the last pregnancy being twins. But again that is another post! All you mom's out there probably can relate!
Anyway the manual. Actually this thought pattern started because I am sick. My wonderful loving diaper-heads (kids) lovingly passed on their yucky germs to Mom! SO yesterday as I was coughing up a lung and peeing my pants (lol) a thought went through my head and I even said it out loud, "God why on earth would you make us women endure nine months of pregnancy giving everything to our growing babies within and not give us super immunity to their illnesses?" I mean all we hear about is how when babies are born they have a small amount of immunity to illnesses and that breastfeeding adds to that. Oh don't get me wrong breast feeding is very important and although not everyone feels comfortable with it that is how God created our bodies. I did or at least tried to breast feed my babies. All four of them but unfortunately I never produced enough for any of them. So they always had bottle feedings as well. Ok maybe a bit TMI. All well.
My point is this I just want to know why God did not give us the ability to fight all infections for the first 10 years of our children's lives. That way when they are sick we are assured that we will not get it! That way mom doesn't get sick and feel run down and we can do what mom's do best without feeling yucky! I hate being sick but Mom's never get a break! We are always on duty even if we feel like a mack truck ran us over! There are times I hate being on duty! Even with a off duty magnet on the fridge I am the one who is always called on. "Hey Mom where is..., Mommy ----- is hitting me, Mommy help me, I'm hungry,' and then don't forget if you are married you get the, "honey where is..., honey can you..." Don't get me wrong I enjoy being a good mom and wife but when you are sick you are sick!

So who agrees with me, Mom's are entitled to at least 10 years of immunity to all the germs our kids bring home from school? Who agrees with me that sometimes you need an instant messenger when things are going a bit haywire and you need a quick answer on how to deal with a certain issue?

What I have learned...

Today ends the 30 day fast that we started on April 1st. We challenged our church to a 30 day fast. We challenged them to hunger and thirst for more of God, to press in when things got tough and to pray harder than they have ever prayed. To dive into the Word of God and truly seek more of Him.

Sean and I chose the Daniel Fast. We could have gotten very strict but we didn't. We gave up snacking, caffeine (me), meat and diary. The most dairy we had was cheese on veggie sandwiches. We allowed ourselves whole wheat bread occasionally. Was it easy..NO! Was it worth it...most definitely! I have craved chocolate and meat. Yes you can crave meat! Would I do it again, most definitely!

There are so many things that I have learned over the last 30 days. Or should I say God allowed me to see. I was fasting for more of God in my life, that He would drawn me nearer and shed light on things I need to work on and let go, for healing of my knees and my health, for direction and open doors for Kristofer's evaluations for autism and for a mighty move of the Holy Spirit in our church. This is what I can see happened this month through our fast; we now have the direction and open doors for Kristofer, YEA!!! We are starting to see the Holy Spirit moving more in our church services...YEA!!!

The biggest thing I have seen these past 30 days is what the Lord is doing in me. You see, I have always been a controlling type of person. Not in controlling of others but in situations. I do not like change, unless I know the outcome, unless I can control the outcome. I have a fear of the unknown. Now don't get me wrong I completely trust the Lord but the fear of the unknown always stops me from doing certain things. Such as seeking the autism eval. for Kristofer. But also in health matters for myself. I guess the Lord has been working on me for about 9 months now on that one.

Case in point, my left knee. I injured in twisting and falling down some stairs at home in Florida about 3 years ago. I put off going to the doctor and when I did I didn't follow the directions to seek counsel from an Orthopedic Surgeon. Now to be honest money and no insurance play a part in that but had I followed the docs orders I would not be where I am today. I got the results of the MRI on my left knee...complex meniscus tear in two places as well as a popliteal cyst and other problems. I could have had it fixed and not been in pain for the last 3 almost 4 years but the fear of the unknown and no insurance stopped me from pursuing medical attention. Now I am facing surgery to fix this and hoping that the damage is not extensive...we shall find out on the 8th.

In the last 30 days the Lord has shown me there are some things I need to let go of from the past (of which I will not discuss here). But also that I have got to face the unknown and tackle the health issues that I have. So I am going for a physical in the morning. I have not had a true physical in well probably since I was a child. Oh I went to the doctor when I was pregnant with all of our kids and have been going to the doctor for my knee but I have not gone for a true physical and had the blood work that I need to have. Am I worried, yes you betcha. But am I ready to face what ever surfaces and get healthy...yes! So tomorrow I face the unknown and face it ready and armed. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you plans to give you a future and hope." I am standing on that promise tonight. I am believing that God has ordained this time and place for me to face the unknown, face my fears and deal with what ever surfaces with His strength.

I have learned more than just this but for now this is what I will share. Oh and for those that care...I have let go of 16 lbs since Jan 1. YEA! This is exciting considering up until March 18th I was not allowed to do any exercise and have two bum knees! Thank you God for helping me face my fears and for helping me to let go of the weight of many things!

Change is needed!

Here I am staring at the ceiling. Thinking about change. If there is one thing I have a love hate relationship with it is "change". You see I am very comfortable with where I am right now in life. I have a great marriage, 4 healthy fun loving kids and our family is a strong unit. I also am comfortable with my weight. Ok so maybe not so comfortable but it is familiar. I have been this same weight for 10 years. The same weight for as long as I can remember. But this weight is tearing me down and tearing my body apart. My weight is killing my knees and putting undo needed stress on my heart and other body organs. SO CHANGE IS A MUST!!

Now here is the problem....I have "changed" my life so many times. Diet after diet and although I succeed in losing a few pounds sometimes up to 25 I always seem to gain it back and then some. Most of the time I start losing weight, start feeling positive like I can do this, I can get to my goal weight and then somehow I end up sabotaging my efforts and give up.

Already even talking about it now I am already thinking ok, you are going to try this again...wonder how long you will stick to it before you quit. I know this is not how I should even be thinking before I start a life change again!

But this time is different. I have to do it I have to get control of my emotional eating and baggage. Yes I am a Christian but that doesn't mean that I am perfect and therefore should not be made to feel as if I should be. I am thankful that my Heavenly Father is one that is a God of second and third and forth (and so on) chances.

I am going to start a new chapter in my life. I have been trying to cut back on a lot of things and feeling like I am not making any head way. SO I decided that I need to just start eating healthier and not be crazy about what I am eating but when, why and how much I am eating. Now seriously I am starting full force tomorrow on low fat diet. Now that doesn't mean I won't occasionally eat ice cream when I am craving it but instead of a large bowl I have a small dish I plan to use for instances like that.

I know that with God's help I can and will succeed. In the past I have expected everything to be within a week. Well through this whole knee surgery recovery I have learned quite a bit about the process. There is always a process to healing. My knee has gone through many stages of healing from the outward skin healing, to the deep tissues and bone healing. Next week I start a new stage of healing and that is with the assistance of my physical therapist, Cindy. You see Monday will be 6 weeks post op for me. YEA! It means my knee is going to be allowed and demanded to start bending. Now I have bent my knee a little the last few days. Just to see if its going to hurt. I expect that Cindy will push it during her initial eval to get an accurate starting point to compare to for the next few weeks and to set weekly goals.

Well that is what I plan to do too. I have set a major goal...lose 150 lbs. But what I am focusing on is smaller goals such as my first goal is to lose 25 lbs. When I reach that goal I will reevaluate and decide then what my next goal will be right now I am thinking concentrate on just 25 at a time. But I also have other areas to concentrate on...the PROCESS! I have to journal when, what and why I am eating. I know I am an emotional eater. That is a HUGE statement for me. I never wanted to admit that. But its the process. There are small things that need to be changed (healed) such as my mental status, self esteem, goal setting, facing the hurts and disappointments and writing them down. I have to install exercise. Now I can't do much right now but I will be doing my PT exercises and I think that is a grand start. I have to change what I eat. I know how my body responds to different foods. So I am going to be cutting the salt and eating a low fat diet. Just what the doctor ordered....ok so I haven't exactly seen a doctor about my weight lately but this is what my orthopedic doc suggested. So I will follow his direction and the leading of the Holy Spirit to teach me what I should and should not be eating.

So I plan to post weekly on how I am doing. I am determined and I know that God is on my side on this. I am His creation, His spirit lives inside of me and I am the temple of the Holy Spirit and I have not taken care of the body God has given me. I must correct that problem with His leading and guidance. So if you want to support me on this I would gladly accept the encouragement and accountability. I would greatly appreciate your prayers.

But what I do not need or want is a negative attitude or a gauntlet of advice of what and how I am doing things wrong. I am going to follow what I believe is God's leading and do what I must do to lose this weight. Statistics say that if you lose just 10% of your weight that it increases your life span and does wonders for your health. (not sure this is the right % but it is close I believe).

Small steps forward and I am not looking back at past failures this time. Putting one step in of the other.....

By the way the saying on the butterfly picture is below:

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become".

Thoughts on Surgery

Well I guess this says it all!

Actually this is as close as I could get to

what I will be looking like in two weeks.

In reality I have been on crutches for 4 months now,

since Aug 30, 2007 to be exact. It looks like I will

continue to be on crutches for at least another

10-12 weeks. UGH! Although the first 6-8 weeks I

will not be allowed to even put my toe down, which

should definitely make life interesting to say the least!

Let alone the pain I have been told to expect. Good

thing there are pain medicines in our world today!

So what have I learned so far about

my journey through knee pain...

1. Don't take your knees for granted.
2. Your knees are your mobility...the biggest part!

3. Sitting down and standing up is controlled by your knees!

4. Being over weight your whole life truly does affect

more than just yourself....it affects your family too!


Oh I am sure there are a lot more points I have learned

in the last 4 months and am about to learn in the next 4.

I am busy preparing my family and my house for

a huge change. God is definitely teaching me humility,

dependence on Him and others, and that I have no control

over anything. I can not control my environment and I can

not control the out come. What I can do is trust in the

Creator of the Universe and know that as long as I

live for Him and trust He knows what is best that I am

going to be fine. Peace comes from the Father above!

Yes I will be honest I am scared! Not really of the surgery,

but yes I'll admit it, what if I don't wake up...what if something

bad is found...what if the surgery doesn't help...what if....

I am nervous about the weeks following the surgery,

the pain, the rehab & the pain that comes with it.

I am nervous about how Sean will maintain our

household, work and still Pastor our church efficiently.

I am nervous about the kids and them not understanding

why Mommy can't get in bed "with them" or let them

sit on my lap, or that I can't give them their baths.

Well instead of concentrating on the "what ifs" I am going

to trust my judgement that I have been lead to and

I have chosen the best Doctor for this surgery and for me.

I am going to concentrate on getting better as soon as I can,

so I can start my new healthy life.

This has already changed my life!

I am going to concentrate this year on getting to a healthier weight

for my knees but mainly for my life. I want to be around when my

grandchildren are growing up. I truly do want to live my life

to its fullest and I have not done so in the last 37 years.

God is a God of mercy, grace, strength, and HE is my all in all!

Through Him I can and will accomplish my life goals,

be at a healthy weight and look fabulous!

I declare:

"This shall surely not be me in a year!"